How to Eat a Hot Cross Bun
You might contend, with deep conviction, that there is no manual, no dictate, no regulation, or statute that exists to distinguish between those who know how and those who do not know how to eat a hot cross bun.
But, if you are one of those who know how, then you are compelled by an equally deep conviction to share your knowledge gleaned from those who have gone before with those who do not.
This distinction is on a par with those whose toes curl if milk is added after the tea is poured or are troubled by fellow travellers who care not to use a fork when with cake, or who’s inner peace is disturbed if male MPs enter the chamber unadorned with a jacket, or worse, lacking a tie.
Here are the twelve members of the Hot Cross Bun jury:
1. Eat only hot when still springy – they are not fit for use as shot putts or cannonballs
2. Employ your best blade to slice each bun accurately into two halves – ensuring that both sides are toasted at the same rate. Incongruency is disappointing
3. Discard the grill in favour of a toaster – the horror of uneven, burnt, or worse, an underdone hot cross bun is more avoidable with using a toaster
4. Toasted hot cross buns are to be caught mid-air as they are propelled vertically, perfectly toasted, from the toaster
5. Butter always; other spreads are banished and not even to be mentioned
6. Generosity is compulsory, especially in the butter department. The added slab of butter has to be thick enough so you can watch it melt. Thin-spread instantly-melted butter is not a thing of beauty
7. No talking. If you are in the company of others, they must abide by this rule. Eating whilst eyes are closed is worthy of bonus points
8. Jam is contentious. Applications to use jam should be lodged with the master or mistress of ceremonies well in in advance of entry into the toaster
9. Never repair the hot cross bun so that it resembles a bun. This is a strictly ‘two-halves’ ritual
10. The final bite should be savoured whilst there is sufficient heat in the bun to keep the butter melted
11. The purpose of eating a hot cross bun is to enter into prayer, meditation, peace and stillness. By all means sit in a church pew and do likewise, but once you have permitted yourself hot-cross-bun-time, church can travel with you
12. Hot cross buns only taste of hot cross buns in the run up to Easter. If you don’t know why, there are no words
If you are looking at the members of the jury, wondering whether the judge will take a majority vote, please be advised that eleven out of twelve simply will not allow you to graduate from the do not know hows to the know hows.
Standards must be maintained.